


Haunted By The Ghost Of You

by LLReid



Category: Bloodbound (Visual Novels)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Anxiety Attacks, Blood and Gore, Canon LGBTQ Character, Character Death, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, LGBTQ Female Character, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, REQUEST!!, Romantic Fluff, This is literally my third night in a row of writing instead of sleeping oop, Vampire Turning, Vampires, imma start hallucinating soon but my stories will be lit, sleep? Never heard of her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:21:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26508919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LLReid/pseuds/LLReid
Summary: Inspired by; The Night We Met by Gavin Mikhail {acoustic version}~~~~~“Shut up!,” she barked as she tore the katana out of Anastasia’s chest, not realising that tears were freely pouring down both of her cheeks. Some had patience. She did not. She turned to Adrian with angry crimson eyes and threw the bloody sword over his shoulder so that it lodged itself in the wall behind him. Under normal circumstances she’d have felt bad about losing her temper to this degree with him but at the current moment she couldn’t have cared less about anyone’s feelings. The love of her life had just bled to death in her arms and unless she woke up... nothing would mean anything anymore. “Don’t even start with me! This is all I can do to make sure I don't lose her. The one thing I should never have had in the first place. When she wakes she can curse me, spit on me, ignore me, and pretend I don't even exist, but at least she will be alive. I will not leave her or allow her to just cease to exist after only twenty-two years on this Earth. I will do whatever I have to do to keep her safe. To keep her here. To see her well. Because her safety, her life... her— she is all that matters to me!”
Relationships: Kamilah Sayeed/Anastasia Sayeed, Kamilah Sayeed/Anastasia Swann, Kamilah Sayeed/Main Character (Bloodbound)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 84





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> PROMPT SENT TO ME ON IG: Can you write MCs death from Kamilahs POV???

“And I love you,” Kamilah said, fighting back her tears as she cradled Anastasia’s dying body in her arms. Her eyes moved over her lover’s ashen face, the stench of arterial blood all around her as the wound on her chest continued to bleed profusely even as her heart beat faded and her eyes rolled. Gaius had stabbed her with such force her ribs had completely shattered, likely puncturing her lungs. The girl’s chiseled jaw and high cheekbones were twisted in agony. Even like this she was oddly beautiful, muscles clenching and unclenching, revealing her hidden strength, her body's last ditch fight against its impending collapse, rendering her torture sublime. 

Even now, as her weak heart clenched one last time, she was being so brave. But that was real bravery, knowing fear intimately — feeling it in the very center of your bones — and then going ahead and still fighting anyway. Fighting even when all hope seemed lost. Like chaos in a glass cage.

Anastasia let out one last tortured breath and gurgled on her own blood, her entire body convulsing, and then the silence that fell was deafening. Something snapped in Kamilah’s mind. The noise all around her receded in a wave until all she heard was her own distant, throbbing pulse like a muffled heartbeat.

“Annie?,” Kamilah whimpered, her voice cracking. “No— You can’t— You— No!”

“She’s gone,” Adrian whispered as he fell to his knees in the pool of Anastasia’s blood beside her. “I can’t hear her heart beat.”

Lily let out the most agonised scream Kamilah had ever heard and Jax immediately began destroying the priceless museum exhibits around them, their pain rivalled only by the choked sobbing sound that caught in the back of the ancient vampire’s throat. Desire to help her consumed her. She couldn’t lose the love of her life. She couldn’t allow Anastasia to die.

“Turn her!,” Jax yelled, his yelling almost completely muffled by Lily’s screaming. “You have to Turn her or I will! I’ve lost too many friends, I’m not losing her! Turn her!”

Without a word to anyone, Kamilah tore into her own wrist. Her fangs punctured her skin so deeply that they reached her artery and she positioned herself so that her blood would flow into Anastasia’s open mouth. “You can’t leave me,” she cried against her ice cold forehead. “We now have all this power. We have everything. Yet all I want is you.”

“Kamilah,” Adrian hissed. “She didn’t ask you to Turn her—“

“Shut up!,” she barked as she tore the katana out of Anastasia’s chest, not realising that tears were freely pouring down both of her cheeks. Some had patience. She did not. She turned to Adrian with angry crimson eyes and threw the bloody sword over his shoulder so that it lodged itself in the wall behind him. Under normal circumstances she’d have felt bad about losing her temper to this degree with him but at the current moment she couldn’t have cared less about anyone’s feelings. The love of her life had just bled to death in her arms and unless she woke up... nothing would mean anything anymore. “Don’t even start with me! This is all I can do to make sure I don't lose her. The one thing I should never have had in the first place. When she wakes she can curse me, spit on me, ignore me, and pretend I don't even exist, but at least she will be alive. I will not leave her or allow her to just cease to exist after only twenty-two years on this Earth. I will do whatever I have to do to keep her safe. To keep her here. To see her well. Because her safety, her life... her— she is all that matters to me!”

Adrian’s face somehow became paler and he nodded tightly. “We have to get her to Raines Corp at once now your blood is in her system. We can help you carry her—“

“No one will dare touch her again,” Kamilah growled below her breath. She wasn’t angry at him, he didn’t do anything to harm Anastasia. But when she was this upset her temper tended to flare and she was prone to lashing out to anyone within earshot of her. God help anyone who even spoke to her. When she got like this she wasn’t even sure what it was she needed, only Anastasia had ever been able to reach her when she was this worked up. A love as strong as this was like a thief, it robbed you of all thought and logic, and all you had left was a heart that you could only pray was strong enough to survive the rest. “Anyone who lays a finger on her will answer to me.”

“Kamilah,” Adrian whispered, resting a hand on her shoulder. “You don’t have to do this all by yourself.”

“Yes, I do.”

Adrian let out a sigh and moved to help Lily to her feet, but she was so incapacitated by her grief that it took both him and Jax to get her standing once more. With a trembling hand, Kamilah closed Anastasia’s eyes and wrapped her broken body up in her blood soaked blazer before cradling her against her chest and starting the journey back to Raines Corp.

The sun was just beginning to rise. How crazy to think that only twenty-four hours earlier she and Anastasia had been wrapped up in one another’s embrace after making love, staring at the rising sun though an overhead skylight in the furniture store they’d hunkered down in. Kamilah closed her eyes and buried her face in Anastasia’s hair, remembering how she’d whispered in her ear.

“We have no idea how important this is,” her lover had whispered, her voice rough and raw, her accent a little thicker than normal because she’d been so close to falling asleep. She’d been sunshine and fresh air and the northern lights. In Kamilah’s eyes, she’d been a goddess, through and through with playful eyes and a smile that could knock her flat on her back every time she saw it.

“The sunrise?,” she had asked her. Her eyes had been locked on Anastasia, watching her in awe as she marvelled at the colours of the sky changing before their very eyes. She’d actually had to swallow a lump in her throat, as her beauty and her ability to appreciate the small things that Kamilah had long stopped noticing had driven the breath straight from her lungs.

“To see the dawn of the new days,” Anastasia had explained as she rolled onto her chest, nuzzling against her cleavage like a sleepy cat. “Sometimes it feels like the world around us is collapsing. Sometimes it’s the world inside us. But the sun always rises. It always promises that we can start again. It’s the one thing we can count on when we can’t count on anything else.” Her brow had furrowed then as Kamilah’s eyes began glistening with unshed tears. “What are you thinking about?,” she’d prodded.

“You. I've spent my life waiting for you. What would I do without you?"

“You'll never find out.” Anastasia had smiled at her and reached up to caress her cheek. “But if you get killed tomorrow. I'm going to be furious."

“Likewise—“ She had muffled her words with a sudden, hungry kiss after that. Her eyes had gone wide... then drifted shut, plunging her into a red-lit darkness. Her heart had been a glowing ember bursting into flames, and all she could think was that this was what joy felt like. Fierce and demanding. When her eyelids fluttered open again, and she had gazed at her Annie, at the flecks of sapphire and silver in her eyes. They had glinted like the raw iron the blacksmiths back in Egypt had melted down to forge swords and daggers and all manner of dangerous and beautiful things. And she’d realised the answer to her own question then— Lost. She would be completely lost without her. Was this what it meant when nightmares dreamt of peace? She had wondered as she’d drifted off to sleep. Was this what it meant when the shadows wished for light? 

The girl’s words rang in Kamilah’s ears, echoing inside her mind. Without the reassuring sound of her beating heart, the world could hold none of the beauty that Anastasia had always seemed to find.

She glanced down at the corpse in her arms and had to fight the urge to fall to her knees and start sobbing. The katana had left a gaping hole in her chest, the broken bones giving it an odd caved in look, the loss of so much blood making her body feel so much lighter than normal — and she was already a very petite person. Despite having a dead weight in her arms, Kamilah felt like she may as well have been carrying thin air. But Anastasia looked peaceful... which seemed odd after such a brutal and painful death. If it were not for the grey skin and blue lips, and the blood staining every inch of both of their bodies, she might’ve been able to pretend like she was merely sleeping.

Tears continued to trickle down her face and she didn’t bother to hide them. What would even be the point? Everyone had already heard her scream as the sword was shoved into Anastasia’s chest. Everyone had already heard her finally confess her love and declare Anastasia her queen in front of Gaius Augustine himself — and a queen, she was, in every way shape and form. She had been the embodiment of the word, she’d been selfless and kind and proud and smart and noble and she cared, more than anything, she had really cared. She was the sort of woman that every bisexual woman had a fantasy about but she’d been so much more than that, because she’d been real. She’d been so real. And she’d been here, she’d been right in front of her— she’d been with her after two thousand years of loneliness and she hadn’t even… she hadn’t even thanked her for all that she’d done. She hadn’t even had the courage to confess her love before it was much too late.

Kamilah swore to herself she would never be like she was with Gaius. Now that she was truly free, never again would she be so imprisoned that she didn’t even need a collar to obey her masters. When Anastasia awoke, she would tell her she loved her every goddamn day. She’d be so different.

She felt nauseous, like she might actually have to vomit any moment. How had this happened? How had a twenty-two year old mortal done what vampires even older than she had failed to do? How had she actually watched as the same man who murdered her, murdered the best person she’d ever known? How had it come to this?

Kamilah knew there had to be more to honour than just one's station in life. That was what Anastasia had taught her: that actions meant more than mere accolades. That honour was something worth fighting for — and dying for — no matter what you were born into. Honour was what Anastasia had earned when she’d done the unthinkable and made the ultimate sacrifice. She could’ve been either a weapon or a target, and she’d chosen to die a warrior’s death. Whilst the weapon she’d held had done one thing at a time, the wielder had done many — she’d saved the whole world and the mortals would never even know it. 

Anastasia’s destiny had not been something that was given by mere bloodline alone, it was something she had proven herself worthy of taking. And Gaius Augustine’s death was a warning. For men who thought of themselves as gods. They all fell, eventually.

The short walk back to Raines Corp was fairly quick and eerily silent. It was a lonely affair. Funny how you could be surrounded by your family, people closer than your blood, and yet feel totally alone. Even with the sun shining and sparkling through the cloudy plumes of smoke rising from the decimated skyscrapers and her friends at her side, Kamilah felt like she was invisible, and in a dark, dark place. Anastasia was the one who knew how to cheer people up when they were this broken. Anastasia was the one they all relied on to be their beating hearts, to remind them how to be optimistic. She was the glue that held the group together. A leader, they all now knew, wasn't just the hand that held a sword the best. Without her, what became of them?

She kept Anastasia wrapped up in her blazer as she lowered her into the sarcophagus hidden in the Raines Corp basement and tried to settle her in as comfortable a position as she possibly could. But how comfortable could an ancient coffin that was designed for Turnings really be on an injured body going through such a change?

Her hand trembled violently as she caressed Anastasia’s lifeless face and whispered the affectionate nickname she’d branded her with. Annie. Her sweet Annie. A few tears dripped down off of her chin and into Anastasia’s face, and she quickly wiped them away as she leaned down to press a kiss against her forehead. Through the slightly dusty, shimmering air, she looked on the face of the girl who had been like an angel come to save her. She looked so much like she was sleeping. She searched her ancient heart for a prayer to offer, but she couldn’t remember much of the old gods that her parents had often spoken of and her ancestors had worshipped. She hadn’t known them in so long. So she formed a silent prayer for the dead girl she loved and felt an otherworldly kinship with.

“May the gods see how desperately this world needs you,” she whispered into her mind whilst she traced the edge of her jaw with her thumb. “I cannot face this world without you. I would wait for you until the stars went dim and the sun and moon drowned themselves in the ocean never to rise again. Come back to me.”

“Are you ready?,” Jax asked through his own tears as he gestured towards the engraved lid he and Adrian were holding.

Kamilah took a deep breath and nodded as she took a small step away from the sarcophagus to allow them room to seal Anastasia inside. Her stomach lurched as she watched her disappear into the darkness, her last glimpse a slither of ginger hair shimmering in the soft glow of the oil lamps that lit the small chamber they were stood in.

Taking a deep breath once the sarcophagus was properly sealed, Adrian took a step back. “To our sister. Every wind that rustles, we’ll remember you. Every leaf that falls, we’ll think of you. Every sunrise, we’ll recall the times we shared. And in every sunset, we’ll value all that we’ve been given by your noble sacrifice. This is not a goodbye; this is a see you soon.”

“Here, here,” Lily sniffled. She’d already settled against the back wall, curled tightly in a ball as if to protect herself from the world and all its harms. “How long should this take? I’ve never seen anyone Turn before.”

“No more than twelve hours, usually,” Jax said as he sat down beside her. “Took me nine.”

“If it takes,” whispered Adrian. “Anastasia is a Bloodkeeper and—“

“It’ll take,” Jax interjected.

“We don’t know that and I think we should all prepare ourselves for the possibility that vampirism will not be compatible with Anastasia’s body,” Adrian said, hesitating before glancing across the room at her. “There has never been a Bloodkeeper who has Turned. We don’t know much about how Anastasia’s body and mind differs from regular mortal bodies, we only know that it does. Even if she did Turn, we don’t know how she’d differ from us—“

“Exactly, we don’t know. So stop acting like she’s really dead,” Kamilah snapped, a slightly crazed expression coming into her eyes. She hadn’t realised how tightly her fist had closed around the wooden guard rail at the side of the stairs she was standing against until it splintered, a long skelf embedding itself in her palm. She let out a loud curse as she tore it out and launched it across the room with such force that it shattered into ash the moment it touched the far wall.

Before she could register what was happening, Adrian’s arms were around her and he was lowering her down to the floor before her knees gave out under the weight of her grief. Every muscle in her body stiffened and part of her yearned to buck free of his grasp, but she felt much too weak to fight him. She felt much too weak to do anything but curl into his warmth and cry.

“She’s not really dead!,” she practically wailed into his chest as he rocked her like a frightened child. He’d seen her cry only once before after locking Gaius in the onyx sarcophagus but that couldn’t compare to this tidal wave of emotions that had brought her to her knees. One or two tears couldn’t come close to the shattering of a soul. A blinding migraine looped around her temples, squeezing with heavy questions. She didn’t know anything anymore. She was tired. She was lost. She was alone. Life was far too complicated when it was not within the realms of her control, she thought, and there were far too many paths for her feet to tread. “Don’t say she’s dead because she’s not!”

Adrian simply nodded and poured a little water from his hydroflask onto the expensive pocket square he kept in his blazer, then moved to start wiping Anastasia’s bloody handprint from Kamilah’s cheek. Her tears and her frantic rubbing at her eyes had done little but smear the blood around her face.

“I don’t need pity,” she sniffled. “Pity is for the weak.”

“It’s not pity,” Adrian said without missing a beat whilst continuing to wipe her face. “I, perhaps more than anyone, know how you feel right now. You're not being weak at all. Wounded, yes, but that's nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Adrian—“

“I care about you. So shut up and let me.”

Her brow furrowed at what he’d said but she didn’t have the energy to ask whether he was referring to the woman he’d been married to in his mortal life or his obvious love for Anastasia. She may not have been the most emotional person in the world but she was no fool. She was well aware everyone in this room was a little bit in love with Anastasia. She was well aware that they all thought they understood her pain... but no one could truly understand what she was feeling. Nobody had felt Anastasia’s love as she had. Nobody truly knew what Anastasia had given her: a private space in which to heal and love and be happy and believe in the illusion of normalcy.

Once Adrian had finished wiping her face, she rested her head against his shoulder, her gazed locked on the sarcophagus in front of her. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d asked those gods she didn’t believe in for anything, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d tried to take comfort in the absolute knowledge of some glorious afterlife that her people had claimed to have. But as she sat there waiting, that’s what she tried to do.

She was well aware that choosing to Turn her without first seeking her consent was a selfish thing to do. Even in her own head she was too honest to be positive about the situation. There was every chance Anastasia would wake up and resent her for the rest of forever for doing this to her. There was also every chance she’d be fine with it, that this was what she’d meant when she’d whispered ‘I don’t want to leave you’ to her. But there was also every chance that Turning wouldn’t even be possible, given that she was a Bloodkeeper. But it— she was thinking it was all worth the risk if it meant the opportunity of a forever with her girlfriend.

Her stomach churned at the thoughts swarming around inside her head. She’d fallen in love with a mortal... and they were such fragile things. Had she really expected this to end in anything but blood? Had she really been that foolish? In the end mortals always expired before vampires. They were such finite creatures. Their first heartbeat and breath were but a blink from death. To add the weight of ushering the city of New York back into an era of peace was to hasten that unconscionably.

“Please,” she whispered inside her head, a silent plea to the gods that only she could hear. “She is the one who gives me reason to wake in the mornings, who infuriates me, who enrages me, who enthrals me, who makes me happier than I have ever been. She is my passion, my fury, my joy, my heart, my soul. Give her back to me. Give her back.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by; The Night We Met by Gavin Mikhail {Piano Version}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PROMPT: can you maybe write smth from MC's pov like after she was turned maybe angst w a fluff ending type of one shot

FOUR DAYS LATER 

~~~

“Are you alright?,” Kamilah asked softly as she wrapped her up in the leather jacket she had been wearing. She had been buried in one of the white button up blouses of hers that she stole to sleep in whenever she stayed over at her place, so her scent was all over her. 

“I— huh?” Anastasia swallowed thickly, her eyes darting frantically around the ruins of New York as she and Kamilah made their way back to the Ahmanet skyscraper — which was apparently just fine. Of course it was. She wasn’t really sure why that had surprised her. God help anyone or anything that destroyed anything of Kamilah’s.

“You’re trembling, sweetheart.” The ancient vampire carefully tucked her beneath one of her arms and pressed her lips against her hairline. Even just that small affection left her reeling, her new senses weren’t used to this. Would it always feel this good when someone touched her?

The Bloodkeeper’s eyes darted down to her hands, which were indeed being wracked with tremors. Her entire body was quivering and she wasn’t entirely sure whether that was the shock from finding out she’d risen from the dead four days after being murdered, the trauma of having to claw herself out of her own grave, or having to make peace with the fact she’d just drank a person’s blood for the first time — and realising that her life now depended on drinking people’s blood — or the whole trying coming to terms with the fact she could never walk in the sun again. A lot had happened in the past few hours. And on top of that, her new senses were so foreign to her that she was being startled by something as simple as the trees rustling in the breeze. It was just— It was a lot.

“Even though I’m glad I was Turned it’s... it’s just different than I expected. I survived. Isn't that what matters?,” she whispered after a long moment of looking at her shaking hands. “Everything’s so— What the hell was that?!”

“Shhh. It’s okay. You’re okay,” soothed Kamilah as she stopped walking and drew her into a tight embrace. She caressed the back of her head with one hand and slowly stroked the length of her back with the other, making gentle soothing sounds at her ear. She wasn’t sure why she’d just randomly started crying, but she had and she couldn’t stop. “It’s just a raccoon digging in the garbage cans outside of the Starbucks across the street.”

“I can hear it breathing. How— How can I hear it breathing from all the way over here?”

“Our kind are hunters, first and foremost. In the next day or so I’ll teach you to hone those heightened senses.”

“I— and what was that?,” she yelped, whirling around in a panic.

“The billboard up ahead,” Kamilah said softly, lifting her chin so he was able to look directly into her eyes. Her hand moved to caress her cheek as she pointed to an Ad for the Dear Evan Hansen musical on Broadway. “Do you see the corner of the poster has come loose? What you’re hearing is it flapping in the wind. Nothing to be frightened of.”

She nodded and took a deep breath in a desperate bid to get a hold of herself. Everything was so loud, even her own thoughts. The problem was, no matter how far or fast she ran, she couldn’t leave herself and these anxious thoughts behind. And if you can’t feel at home in your own head for the rest of enternity, where can you?

“Will things always be this loud?,” she sighed. “How do you get any sleep when the world sounds like this?”

“You’ll grow used to it fairly quickly, just like you did back at Raines Corp. Your ears just aren’t used to being outdoors yet and there are many more sounds out here. There are things you won’t have picked up on when you were mortal and things that will sound familiar, but amplified,” Kamilah explained as they began walking again. She kept a tight hold on her, keeping her as close as was physically possible. “By the time the city returns to normal you’ll be used to it.”

“Do you really think I’m strong enough for this?”

“You’re strong enough for everything. Smart enough to do anything you want. Don’t sell yourself short; don’t be afraid of what your new life is going to offer. Because I know — if there’s any justice in this world, good things are going to come to you. Better things than you ever dreamed.”

“I’m sorry for freaking out over nothing—“

“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for,” she quickly interjected, peppering another few kisses against her hair. “What you have been through has been incredibly traumatic and it will take you some time to adjust to your new normal. You don’t have to pretend you’re okay or put on a brave face with me when you are frightened. I’d rather know when things are overwhelming you, so we can pause and I can help you through it—“

“Even the stupid things you’d stab anyone else for bothering you with?,” she laughed weakly.

Kamilah smiled. “Especially the stupid things.”

“Really?”

“I have spent the past four days mourning you, thinking I’d never again be dragged into another never ending discussion about your most abstract thoughts at the most inconvenient times. I tried for every single one of those days to pretend like this didn’t hurt, to pretend that I was just fine and not lost in my own darkness once again. But I—“ She cleared her throat and blinked hard, as if to stop herself from crying “I missed you. I missed hearing the things you say. I missed everything about you. So when I tell you I’m here for everything and anything that you need, I mean it wholeheartedly. No holding things back from me. No pretending to be fine because you think it’s expected of you — it’s not. I’m not just here for the pretty parts. I’m here no matter what, until the moment you order me to leave. Okay?”

Anastasia blinked. It took only a moment to change someone. Sometimes it took a tragedy. Sometimes it took a kiss. She’d known this for a while, suspected that she was more than just a little special in Kamilah’s eyes. So when she pushed herself on her tip toes and the space between their lips dissolved, and Kamilah’s lips, warm, soft and commanding, met hers, she knew that a simple kiss wasn’t so simple at all and nothing would be simple after that. This was a kiss unlike any they’d shared before.

Kamilah slid a hand around her waist and kissed her like she was the air, and she was suffocating. And she forgot about everything: there were no evil vampires, no apocalypse, nothing...just them.

The rest of the walk back to Kamilah’s penthouse was filled with an embarrassing amount of jumpy moments, and there weren’t even any mortals left in Manhattan — they’d all fled. Yet the city somehow sounded louder than it ever had to her mortal ears. Birds chirping sounded sharp enough that she flinched and had to cover her sensitive ears with her hands. Squirrels climbing trees startled her so much that she almost started crying again. A bunched up newspaper blowing down the middle of the empty road sounded like nails scraping down a chalkboard. Watching and reading ‘I Am Legend’ a hundred times had not prepared her for this. 

She remembered Lily once showing her posts on Fangbook’s version of Discord made by new vampires who were complaining about the same problems. Someone had suggested going full Van Gogh and chopping off their ears to deal with it. Discord said it was a good idea. That was comforting. If all else failed, that was what she’d do. When was Discord ever wrong?

A small smile rose to her lips as she realised all of her best friends were dead people. Someday she’d have to pour herself a strong drink to figure out how that happened.

Through the plumes of smoke and ash rising from the ruins of buildings they could watch the stars appear in the sky without any light pollution blurring them out. It was one of her favorite times of day, when the colours that streaked across the sky faded. Things were neither bright nor dark, but caught somewhere in between the two. That was how life had felt for so long: it could get better or worse.

The whole time they walked Kamilah was nothing but patient with her. She never once made her feel ridiculous or brought up the fact she’d died murdering a guy worse than Voldemort and that it made no sense to be this scared of everything after that. There was a time when she used to walk into a room and own it, or at least believe in what she was offering, but it somehow felt like she hadn’t felt that confidence in a long time... even though she’d only spent four days in that coffin. It felt like it had been much longer. Like the whole world had changed. Like she had changed.

It wasn't necessarily the whole dying thing that had changed her, that had both stripped her and given her repossession of her body. It was deeper than that. It was her actions, her choices in the heat of the moment. It was finding the path when it looked like there weren't any paths to be found. That could only make her stronger eventually, right? Risking her own life to kill Gaius had been her choice, even though it had resulted in her death. It had been her choice to act. In a world where so many choices weren't hers, it had been a wonderful thing. There could’ve been no better way to end her mortal life.

This, she thought, was the boundary line of real adulthood. Not the crap they claimed it was — graduating from college or losing your virginity or getting your first apartment or whatever. You crossed the boundary the first time you were changed forever. You crossed it the first time you know you could never go back to who you used to be.

“Let’s take a bath,” Kamilah said as they wandered into the penthouse. They kicked off their shoes at the front door and then Kamilah gently took her hand again and began leading her inside.

“With lots of scented bubbles?”

She hummed in agreement. “As you wish.”

“Thank god, I smell like death.”

“Not that I don’t love your morbid sense of humour but I feel like I may need a warning if you think you and Lily are going to resort to making jokes as a means of coping with this whole thing.”

“You realise that she made me change my ringtone for her on my phone to Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead the day after she Turned, right?,” Anastasia giggled. “Morbid comments and dark jokes are the only way people of our generation know how to cope with things. It’s not like we can just roll up to a therapists office and flash our fangs without being involuntarily hospitalised.”

Kamilah snorted and glanced over her shoulder at her as she poured some citrusy scented Estee Lauder bubble bath into the running water. “I thought she changed it to the Ghostbusters theme tune?”

“She did but she changed it back the day before— um,” her hand drifted to the point in her chest where Gaius had stabbed her and she swallowed thickly, a tremor racking through her entire body as her hands grew cold and clammy. She was healed, stronger than she’d ever been, so she wasn’t quite sure what was happening to her. “Um, the day before The Met.”

“Are you alright?,” Kamilah asked, caressing her cheek once again. She stroked her pale skin with the pad of her thumb, waiting patiently for her to answer.

“That was... weird.” She blinked heavily a few times and rubbed at her eyes, needing to feel something that would remind her that even though Gaius had done this terrible thing to her, she had survived. She knew she might scream about it when the nightmares eventually found her, but not by choice, not when she was awake. 

All she could think of was him and how he had hated her. It was ridiculous that things outside a person’s control could make others hate you so much. The nature of your blood wasn’t a choice, but people had a long history of killing, imprisoning, or fearing others for their race or religion or the blood that flowed through their veins.

Had she not been through so much this might’ve drowned her. Had she not resisted the darkness so successfully, she'd not be strong enough to handle what he had done to her. She'd been damaged, but not irreparably. Fragmented and strong, the perfect mix to find some way to find peace again. She had to fight for her sanity with tooth and nail. As nobody else would ever be able to save her if she was not fighting as hard as she possibly could to save herself, too.

They said “time heals,” but even now, part of Anastasia knew that was a lie. What people really meant was that eventually you’d get used to the pain. You’d forget who you were without it; you’d forget what you looked like without your scars. You’d be born anew.

Kamilah framed her face with her hands as she said, “Annie?”

“Will you... hold me? If you want to, I mean." She looked away. She hated asking for affection, it made her shy... and not in a good way. It was so funny — when people called her “shy,” they usually smiled. Like it was something cute, some funny little habit she’d grow out of when she was older, like the gaps that had been in her grin when her baby teeth had fallen out. If they knew how it felt — really being shy because of how an ex had treated her, not just unsure at first — they wouldn’t smile. Not if they knew how the feeling knotted up her stomach or made her palms sweat or robbed her of the ability to say anything that made much sense. It was not cute at all. “If I’m being too clingy—“

"Everyday.” Then she was right there, lifting her into her arms and sitting her down on the counter by the sinks, holding her like she was something fragile and precious. “I want to hold you everyday. Nothing will ever change that.”

“Promise?”

“Yes. I promise.” She kissed the side of her neck and whispered, “Waiting for you all these years was worth everything that I thought I couldn't endure.” Her next words were an even softer whisper, filled with so much vulnerability that she hardly sounded like herself. "All the centuries I've known and all the marvels I've seen don't compare to you. I have no need for a world without you in it.” 

Just hearing that calmed her down almost immediately. Safe wasn't quite what appealed to her right then. Safe wasn't how she felt in Kamilah’s arms. No, that word was far too weak to describe it. Invincible, weirdly in control, powerful — those words felt much closer to the truth. She felt the ancient vampire’s hatred for Gaius without her having to say it. People could always hate that which they had loved, and with a fire as great as their love once was.

It was like Kamilah had given her a wordless vow: to take care of her, to guide her through this, to keep her from hurt or pain, from wanting for anything. And for a moment she was able to simply stop thinking and enjoy being in the arms of the one person in all of forever who made her life feel complete. 

As confused and out of her depth as she felt, she felt just as happy. She had wanted to become a vampire because she was in love with the vampire queen, and because she deserved to have someone who loved her for who she was, not what she was or who she had been. She needed her. There were people — good people — she loved and she had been a liability to them because she had been a mortal — until her mortality had been the thing that saved them. She’d been fragile. She’d been finite. She was in this world. People she cared about, the woman she loved, the friends who had become her family... This was where she belonged. She was thankful Kamilah had given her what it took to stay with them and be strong enough not to fail them.

Right now, she was her only anchor in a sea of madness. And she would love her in any shape, in any world, with any past.

~ fin.


End file.
